Sunday, January 11, 2015

The Confession

I suppose this will go down in Burkhart history as our version of "The Leg Lamp" incident.
(If you are unfamiliar with the incident, please click here to refer to the scene from "A Christmas Story", the movie).
No one is going to believe this was an accident. However, I am innocent I tell you. Innocent.
 You see, once upon a time, David was dating some chick from Russia. It got pretty serious and he followed her back to her home town of Almaty in Kazakhstan. He met her family, drank copious amounts of vodka, bathed in a barrel, ate a rock; he can tell you the whole romantic story. Anyhow, in the end he came back to the states with this souvenir bottle of Russian wine, for his parents.

This last Christmas, the bottle re-appeared from deep within The Cougar Creek Winery Cellars special stash. As luck would have it (that is, if Lady Luck was a white elephant), I was "gifted" the treasure. It had aged to PERFECTION, complete with enticing flotsam and jetsam floating around in the yellow liquid.

We yearned to taste the bejeweled nectar. We speculated on the subtle nuances of Russian flavors suspended in that well-aged Crimean spring water. The lips of the entire Burkhart family puckered in anticipation of what was sure to be the wine tasting event of the century. We speculated on the possible medicinal qualities of that non-homogeneous potion.

Alas, it was determined that it was too precious to uncork (unscrew the cap?). It was decided that it should be moved to a more secure location. The storage conditions were to be monitored closely, so as not to disturb the maturation process and to preserve the naturally-occurring flavor enhancement which was clearly happening within its fine silicon containment.

The treasure was placed within a sheath of finely crafted, ornamental, light-shielding, paper (white elephant gift bag to be re-gifted next year) and placed upon the top shelf of its intended security vault. Then the unthinkable happened.

I guarded it with my life. Additional barriers to harm were placed in front of the treasure. Yet, as I pressed, protectively, against the treasure, it was pushed to the back of the storage space to its detriment. The treasure slipped out down the back side of the shelf, where it fell out of its sheath and plummeted 5 feet to the concrete floor below. Investigations are still under way, although the scene had been scrubbed clean by the time authorities had arrived. It does appear as though the manufacturers of the storage unit erected a shelf which did not reach to the back of the wall. This oversight left a gap of roughly 4.5 inches at the back of the vault, though which the loss occurred.

The entire 750 milliliters of the precious liquid were lost during the incident. However, the haunting aroma will stay with me as long as I live. Every effort was made to recover the amorphous solid portions of the treasure, but we were, tragically, out of glue.

2 comments: